Some families bond over board games; others hike through nature. My family watches movies. And every now and then, a scene will hit me differently, sticking with me not just because it’s well done, but because it reflects something true about life, marriage, and leadership.
There’s a scene in 6 Days, 7 Nights that has always stuck with me. Harrison Ford’s character, a rugged, capable pilot, and Anne Heche’s character, an independent and sharp woman, are stranded on an island. At one point, they realize they aren’t where they thought they were. Ford’s character steps into the bushes, away from her, to have his moment of panic, you can’t make out exactly what he’s saying but you know if you could, they’d have lost the PG-13 rating.
What’s interesting is the first thing he does. He did what a good leader should: he shielded her from his breakdown. Modern feminism would have you believe that women want to see men cry, that we crave emotional vulnerability, that leadership looks like sharing every fear, frustration, and insecurity in real time. But the truth? Women don’t want to see their man fall apart in front of them, especially in moments of extreme danger or stress. Well, I don’t at least.
And she proves it.
When he comes back, visibly shaken, she doesn’t reassure him. She doesn’t say, “It’s okay, we’ll figure it out together.” Instead, she looks him in the eye and says, “Please don’t do that again.” She then goes on to say, “I can’t tell you how difficult this is going to be for me, if you lose it.” She tells him that she needs him to be the “confident captain.”
She knew he had just faced the reality of their situation, but she also knew that if he stayed in that panic, if he let it take over, everything would fall apart. That’s how I feel about leadership in my marriage, even though I am fully capable of handling extreme situations on my own, if need be.
And here’s the tension: While I recognize my husband’s God-given mantle of leadership, there is something in me, woven into my very nature, that still fights it.
Genesis 3:16 lays it out: “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” That means even a woman who deeply respects her husband will have moments when she questions his decisions, resents giving up control, or feels the urge to take charge herself. It’s not because she doesn’t love him. It’s because her nature fights it.
And yet, while I may resist leadership at times, I also know something undeniable: he is the one who will bear the ultimate responsibility before God.
That is the weight of leadership.
If he makes a bad decision, God will hold him accountable, not me. That means my resistance, my pushback, and my desire to control won’t change the fact that he is the one who will have to answer for how he leads.
So as much as I wrestle with submission, I know that leadership isn’t just about authority, it’s about responsibility. And in the end, I don’t carry that weight. He does.
That brings me to another scene, this time from Catching Fire, the second Hunger Games movie. In a series of films about an extremely strong female lead, the scene that sticks out to me is when Finnick and Katniss are on an island in the middle of the arena after he convinces her they are allies. Instead of trying to control her or take charge himself, Finnick does something different. He hands her a weapon and tells her “Don’t trust One and Two. I’ll take this side, you hold them off.”
He simultaneously takes the lead but also, doesn’t demand she fall in behind. He recognizes her strengths, equips her, and then moves forward himself. Moreover, he doesn’t hesitate. He assesses the situation, recognizes her abilities and sets in place the plan.
That’s what real leadership looks like.
A lot of men think leadership is about control, making all the decisions, keeping their wife in check, expecting her to follow without question. Others think leadership means passivity, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, letting her take over because it’s easier. But biblical leadership is neither of those things.
It stays steady when everything is falling apart.
It’s handing your wife her weapon, trusting her abilities, and stepping into battle beside her.
It’s in the making of decisions, by listening to wise counsel (outside and/or from your wife) and then owning those decisions and taking responsibility, even if she questions you.
Your wife will test you. Sometimes without realizing it. She may push back against your leadership, not because she wants to lead, but because she wants to know you actually can.
And if you hesitate too long? If you panic? If you back down? She will instinctively take over, not because she wants to, but because she feels like she has to.
This is how so many marriages drift into imbalance:
1. The husband hesitates, unsure of what to do.
2. The wife, feeling insecure in his indecision, takes over.
3. The husband, either frustrated or relieved, pulls back.
4. The wife, exhausted and overwhelmed, begins to resent him.
It’s a cycle that wears both people down.
But here’s what I’ve learned: A husband doesn’t need his wife’s permission to lead.
My husband is accountable for the leadership of his family whether I make it easy for him or not. And a godly man leads anyway.
The truth is, your wife doesn’t need you to be a dictator. But she also doesn’t need you to be a passenger in your own marriage. She needs to know that when things go sideways, you won’t disappear into the bushes.
So, lead.
Even when she questions you.
Even when she pushes back.
Even when you don’t feel like you have all the answers.
Because at the end of the day, your wife doesn’t need a tyrant or a doormat. She needs a leader.
A man who is strong enough to carry the weight of responsibility, make the hard calls, and lead anyway.
A man who leads with confidence earns trust, while a man who hesitates or collapses under pressure forces the woman to step in, whether she wants to or not.
Because I can tell you firsthand, submission is hard. Even when I know my role. Even when I trust my husband. Even when I want him to lead.
But at the end of the day, I also know this: The weight of leadership is not mine to carry.
If you’re a man leading your wife, understand this: she needs to know you can handle it. Even when she’s questioning you. Even when she’s pushing back. Even when you don’t have all the answers.
Because you are the one who will stand before God and give an account.
She needs you to be the confident captain. So be one.
