By Brett Clemmer
My mouth was dry. My heart pounded. Although it was many years ago, I remember it vividly.
I was sitting in a room at church on a Tuesday night with a half dozen men, a few weeks into a men’s small group, half-listening to a book discussion. But my insides were twisting as I knew what I needed to say.
“Guys,” I interrupted, suddenly. “I can’t do this anymore. I sit around acting like everything’s okay, but I’m not okay. My marriage is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do about it. I need this group to get real, right now.”
Wide eyes and stunned silence greeted me.
“Wow,” said the leader quietly. And then, “So let’s hear about it.” With a sigh, I proceeded to spill my guts about our bad communication, my anger, her withdrawal, and a few other things we were both frustrated with each other about.
Finally, I came up for air and looked around. “Sorry. I just needed to tell someone. I didn’t mean to freak anyone out.” I was sure I was the only one who didn’t have it together.
And then a funny thing happened. Over the rest of that meeting and the next few after that, almost every guy shared a deep frustration, struggle, sin, or fear in his life.
Prior to the men’s small group, we’d all had no one to talk to about it—until then.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”It was such a relief to have a group of Christian guys that I could trust and talk to. I don’t know what would have happened to my marriage, to my family, and to my faith without it. Those connections changed the course of my life.” quote=”It was such a relief to have a group of Christian guys that I could trust and talk to. I don’t know what would have happened to my marriage, to my family, and to my faith without it. Those connections changed the course of my life.”]
A “Both-And” Approach to Ministry
In our work with churches, Man in the Mirror has noticed a trend over the last several years. We are seeing churches eliminate separate men’s and women’s ministry opportunities to focus exclusively on couples or co-ed activities.
We are big proponents of co-ed ministry. In fact, if a married man has kids, he may only have time to be in one small group, for example. We will often encourage him to choose a couples’ small group. After all, his marriage is at the crux of most of his life—he wants to provide for his family, be a good dad and husband, lead his wife toward Christ, etc.
But after more than 30 years of working with thousands of churches, we believe that a specific, focused ministry to men that provides guys with the opportunity to meet together without the women of the church is a great thing for the men, for marriages, for families, and for the body. (And the same is true for women’s ministry opportunities!)
Jesus ministered to both men and to women. He had community with both men and women. There were the women who supported him financially (Luke 8:1-3), for example, and the women who came to the tomb together to anoint Jesus’ body (Mark 16:1-8).
But when I think about the time that He spent with the twelve, I think about the intimate teaching and the deeply relational mentoring and discipling that occurred in that small group of men. They argued with each other, confronted each other, supported each other, probably teased each other, and certainly challenged each other. The model of a small group of men doing life together, growing closer to Jesus together, and then changing the world together is biblical.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”We want to see churches choose both co-ed discipleship and men’s-only (and women’s-only) discipleship opportunities. They both have value. And they both reflect the Kingdom of God.” quote=”We want to see churches choose both co-ed discipleship and men’s-only (and women’s-only) discipleship opportunities. They both have value. And they both reflect the Kingdom of God.”]
Focusing solely on couples’ groups and co-ed activities—whether it’s to streamline or simplify the way of doing church or for some other reason—often has unintended consequences that reach far beyond the men.
A Barrier to Authenticity
Research shows that men and women have some unique differences when it comes to communication. Although these generalizations don’t apply to all men and women, men tend to be linear, action-oriented, and focused on problem-solving. Women tend to see things in a more integrated fashion, seeking stability and understanding, and enjoying the discussion about the problem much more than men do.
Providing separate opportunities for men and women to gather gives these different communication styles space to flourish and for conversations to go deeper.
It also allows both men and women to be more vulnerable with certain areas of their life. Even in co-ed groups where the conversation and friendships are rich, there are certain things that a man is not going to share in a group of couples. He may feel uncomfortable or he may not want to make his wife feel uncomfortable, if married.
Guys need a safe place to talk about things like anger, pornography, frustrations with their marriage, frustrations at their job, parenting struggles, or doubts about their faith. I’ve said and heard things in a small group of men that never would have been shared in mixed company.
Nick shared, “Personally, I’ve found different encouragement, as well as correction, in groups of men versus men and women. For instance, throughout a significant portion of my life, I struggled with pornography and lust. While I’d met with a youth group and co-ed small groups most of my young adult life, it wasn’t until I was able to form a connection with a close group of guys that I talked openly and honestly about my struggles. These men both encouraged and corrected me, leading to growth and healing in an area of major hurt. Without these men, I don’t know where I’d be on my journey of spiritual growth.”
If a guy doesn’t have a safe group of Christian brothers that he can say anything to, he will instead confine it to an internal dialogue. At best, he and the Holy Spirit can work it out. But often, the world, the flesh, and the devil will be battling to be a part of the conversation.
But in a group of brothers, one guy can look at another and enter that conversation—from, “Stop treating your wife that way,” to “I’m going to check your phone for porn next week,” to “I’ve been through this too and you’re not alone,” to “Hey, it’s going to be okay. I love you. I’m praying for you. Call me any time day or night. I’ll come over.”
Without the opportunity to open up to other guys, many men will never go beyond “The week was pretty good,” and eventually, they may simply leave or disengage—especially those who are struggling and need connection the most.
A Barrier to Inclusive Ministry
It may seem counter-intuitive, but by eliminating men’s and women’s ministries, churches are actually making discipleship less inclusive, not more.
When ministry offerings are limited to co-ed groups or classes, oftentimes singles, those who are divorced, and widows (both spiritual and actual) are put in an awkward position.
In America today, almost half of all adult men are unmarried, and 35% of all men have never been married. Many of them—especially those on the fringe of the life of the church—would not be at ease being in a small group or class with mostly couples.
We should also be aware of the unintentional messages we send. If we only offer co-ed ministry opportunities, those who are single often receive an implicit message that there is something wrong with being unmarried. “Every illustration and conversation is about marriage,” one man said to me. “I’ve never been married. So I guess they don’t care if I’m here.”
Being the only single person in a group of couples may be so uncomfortable for some that it’s just not worth the effort. Having a model without opportunities for men to gather with men and women to gather with women will mean that many in your church will slip through the cracks of your discipleship strategy.
How to Reverse the Trend
What should you do, then, if your church only offers couples’ groups and co-ed Sunday School classes?
Ask your small groups to make the last week of the month a time to split up by gender for discussion. Start a men’s-only text group for encouragement. Get the guys in a class to do a devotional together on the Bible app. Start a private, confidential Facebook group for guys to share specific prayer requests or questions with each other. If you’re a church leader, start by offering a men’s-only (and women’s-only) outing once a quarter.
No matter where you’re starting from, you can be innovative and create that space for guys to interact! A few small changes can make a big difference.
Because right now, there are men in your church and outside of your church—men like me, with dry mouths and pounding hearts, barely holding it together—who desperately need the counsel and support of other Christian men.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”THE BIG IDEA: Men need opportunities to build real, spiritual friendships with other men.” quote=”THE BIG IDEA: Men need opportunities to build real, spiritual friendships with other men.”]
What you put into motion this week, this month, and this year, will transform their lives and the lives of their loved ones.
Danny shared with us that after a mentor committed suicide, he felt spiritually broken and eventually began an affair. “Through that dark time,” he recalled, “the guys who were in my small group became my brothers; they never left me, no matter how much I tried to isolate myself. They prayed with me. They prayed for me. They prayed for my marriage.
“That was five years ago. With the encouragement and love of those guys and by the grace of God, I can say that today, I love my wife more than I did on our wedding day. And since then, we’ve had a beautiful daughter.
“I know now that when I was feeling so empty and far from God, God never left me. He was there the whole time. He was showing Himself through the community of guys that huddled around me when I needed them most.”
♦♦♦
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Excellent! Well said and TRUE!
Thank you, Jeffrey!
The Church wants to follow the world model and be all inclusive but God calls men to the leadership role if he can’t get support in his own church he is lost in order to commit the same mistakes over and again look around the model is not working the divorce rate, fatherless homes it’s a mess we need to build our men and it starts where Jesus modeled it in the small group with His disciples the world has more influence over the church than the church on the world
Music to these old ears
No such thing as an old Christian. Just one with lots of experiences to share! #sage 🙂
My church has concentrated on women’s ministry while not truly supporting a vibrant men’s ministry. When we joined this church about 5 years ago I was invited to a Tuesday morning prayer group. The first time I attended the prayer group I found that it was the entire ministry to men—no other outreach, no other men’s group. The church in is entirety is failing men. I have given up hope of ever seeing a vibrant men’s ministry in this church.
Find one other man with a passion for men’s discipleship and start meeting regularly to pray for the men of your church. Start inviting others after a while. Keep praying, and watch what the Holy Spirit does!
Brett, I am sad to say that I can’t think of even one man in this church that has a passion because they are either not interested or they have no desire to step out and seek a broader view of a men’s ministry. I am thankful, though that Man in the Mirror is there. That is why I will continue to support Man in the Mirror.
Jerry and Brett,
I understand the frustration. After convincing my pastor to attend a MIM program in 2005 called Building A Sustainable Men’s Ministry, we built a flourishing program at our church. At the foundation was a Friday morning Bible study focused on men and men’s issues identical to Pat’s study in Orlando. We moved away 4 years ago and thought we found a vibrant church I have spoken to many men and several pastors. There is a missing element of need in this church and I am super frustrated. Too much to relate here, but bottom line is that I’m also lonely.
Randy, we have a similar training coming up August 29. Building a Sustainable Ministry to Men became No Man Left Behind, a boom and training. Check out our FB page for info on the next training. It’s taught live here and broadcast online to sites around the country for smaller groups.
Amen, Brett! For real heart change to occur men need to gather consistently with other men in loving, non-judgmental environments in which the study content is not as important as seeking personal relationships with God and each other.
Thanks Jim! We both know how vital that is. Hope you are doing well!
For the last 15 years I have been leading specifically men’s small groups. I am a trained facilitator called into leading these groups. I would enjoy talking to someone about this calling.
Brad, how can we help? Email me at baclemmer@maninthemirror.org
Thank you for the reminders. We have a large church and are pretty active. We continue to meet as our small group even using Zoom during this time. If you want to make your group work, then you work your group.
So true, Peter!
I’m relatively new to my church (and to my walk with the Lord) and was blessed to have been pulled into a small but revitalized men’s ministry there. Unfortunately this burgeoning effort has been waylaid by the coronavirus and the impersonal nature of electronic communication only; it’s just difficult to sustain meaningful interaction that way. Hopefully we’ll be back together soon; I for one sorely miss it.
Jim, check out our Covid article for resources you can use even now with social distancing. https://maninthemirror.org/relaunching/
Great article Brett. I especially like the suggestion that “Guys need a safe place to talk about things like anger, pornography, frustrations with their marriage, frustrations at their job, parenting struggles, or doubts about their faith.” That is the essence of my theory that all men need deeper, more authentic God Buddy relationships. Keep up the great work!
I remember a passionate talk at a MAN IN THE MIRROR session regarding church funding imbalances…at that time a preference for Women’s Ministry, Youth Ministry and Music Ministry saying “We are stuck on stupid!” No need to classify the current trend in funding. For men to rise up and serve and impact we need to be part of men’s ministry and hold our brothers accountable. Also, what about single men?
Mens groups are vital. I have learned & grown more in group then an other church venue. While I continue to attend church, participate in food outreach, church landscaping & a committee – deep change happened in small groups. Thank you for you work, insight & inspiration. Blessings
There is no doubt that Iron sharpens Iron as one man sharpens another. (Prov. 27:17) I have had the fortunate opportunity to be part of a mens mens ministry group at the church my family and I attend for the past seven years. All that you mention we have incorporated. We have had our highs and lows but, COVID19 has only tightened the relationships and has forced us out of our comfort zones to do more disciplining with our men in our small groups (we call them P.O.D.s). I have grown spiritually and look forward to every meeting. We call each other during the week, share struggles, praises, laughs and tears. This ministry concept is worth every frustration, inconvenience, tear, laugh and celebration. When I ask these men for prayer I know that I have warriors on their knees lifting me before the throne of grace and mercy. It is so empowering to know your brothers are interceding for you, over you and with you. We have witnessed miraculous physical healings, marriage healings, men getting clean of addictions of everything conceivable and unconceivable kind, men coming back to God’s design of sexuality and so much more. God is so good! We do events together as a group and P.O.D.s, serving our community and serving each other. It only takes two to get started. Grab a friend and begin meeting. Then invite others. Men are hungry for this ministry and most do not realize it until they are in it. May God Bless each and every one you.
I see I’m late to this discussion, but will join in anyway.
I married in my late 30s and noticed how my social and church life changed. Suddenly I was taken seriously, included, noticed! My years prior to marriage were full of frustration at being alone, sometimes lonely, but always isolated. There was no connection at church and church was too feminine. It failed to deal with the different proclivities of the sexes (note, not the fake word ‘gender’).
I’m seeking to start a men’s activity in my church.
My hope is to start with a couple of men’s dinner/talks through the year and off these spawn a group that meets at most monthly, even in January when things can be lonely particularly for single men.
The talks would not be ‘evangelistic’ or even about strictly scriptural topics, unless given in a mano a mano fashion. I’m thinking they would be by men who would talk about their career, their job, their interests, their adventures, with their Christian experience woven through them. The aim would be to be interesting, encouraging, fun.
Out of this I’d like to see mission training/development for those interested (and we are all interested in talking!) plus a service club type activity that would deploy resources to assist other church ministries, and other churches, particularly small churches, start-ups, rural/remote churches. The help might be fund raising, organising, handyman, mentoring, coaching, or just being alongside.
We have a men’s group that meets every Tuesday mornings at 8:00 and ends at9:00. We then order a breakfast together and talk among ourselves. I was struggling with anxiety over my walk with the Lord. I have gone from nothing to contribute to eager to listen and take a turn leading and have quit my counseling and medications and have a true relationship with my God.